


This is How it Was Supposed to End

by Calathiel0608



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-28 23:19:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15717141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calathiel0608/pseuds/Calathiel0608
Summary: Castiel comes across the reader after they had an especially bad day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING THS DOES HAVE SUICIDAL THEMES!!!! Please keep safe.

From a young age, you had always assumed that this was how you were going to go out. Not with a flash and a bang, but with an empty bottle of pills at your side. It had gotten better for a bit there, you had met the boys and started hunting with them, and while you were with them it seemed as if you could forget your problems for a while. Focusing on anything else was therapeutic, especially when it killing some blood-sucking monster. There were weeks and even months where it felt like your mental health was finally getting better and you would be able to see a brighter future, one where you were happy. But it would never last. 

Sometimes it would be a hunt gone wrong that would tip you back into your depression. The guilt that would pile up after seeing people die because you didn't do your job to the best of your abilities was unbearable. In those times Sam, Dean, and Cas would help the best that they could. After all, they knew what it was like to be responsible for the deaths of innocent bystanders. And they did help. A lot. When it came to guilt, they almost always knew what to say that would lift both your spirits and the blame. 

But more often than not, hunts were not the cause of your depression sinking back in. One morning you would wake up and feel it: an unbearable heaviness that would sit on your chest like a box of bricks. A darkness would come, filling every crack and crevice in your mind, perverting every good memory that you had. Every bad thing you had done, every person you had failed, everyone who had died when you could have saved, every single god damned bad memory would come flooding to the surface. The effects were paralyzing. Every small movement felt like you had just run a race. When it hit you like this you would only leave your bed if one of the boys would ask you to come to eat with them or you felt like your absence was being noticed.

As much as you wanted to let them help you it was impossible to explain what was going on in your head; guilt they could understand easily, this, not so much. So when your depression got bad and you didn't know why you kept it too yourself. You were their rock just as much as they were yours. Plus, how is someone else supposed to understand what you are going through if you don't even understand it yourself? 

As you would lay there in bed your thoughts would begin to overrun your head. Then one thought would begin to stick out more than all the others: "You would be better off dead". And it would come back over and over again. Quickly followed by all the reasons why. "You drag everyone around you down" "no one can stand you" "Your constantly fucking up hunts" "You only take and never give". And there was nothing that you could do about it. So you would just lie there letting your thoughts slowly kill you. 

The first time you seriously considered killing yourself was at the young age of twelve. Your depression had just really begun and already you saw no way out from that darkness that consumed you. That night you sat on your bed with a bottle of pills that you found in your parents' bathroom in your hand, wondering if anyone would actually care if anyone would miss you. In the end, you decided against it, you hated the thought of your little brother finding your body the next day when he went to wake you up for school. Throughout the years that followed, this situation repeated itself over and over again; sometimes you stopped yourself, sometimes your best friend would help you through it and sometimes you would call a hotline. No matter what, you always seemed to change your mind. But in the back of your mind, you knew that one day no one would be there to help you and you finally get to escape from this hellish world. 

So, now here you are, sitting on the edge of your bed, once again having an internal debate as to whether it was worth it or not. By this time your mind was practically made up. You decided that if you were going to go out like this, then the boys deserved to know why. Grabbing the first piece of paper you could find and a pen you began to scribble out a note.

Dean, Sam, Cas, I am sorry that it had to end like this. I need you guys to realize that there is nothing you could have done to stop. It was always going to end like this and you know as well as anyone else that when I set my mind to something I always do it. No matter what other people say. My mind has become its own trap and there is no way that I am going to escape it. With help or not. I can't deal with the voices in my head anymore. I know that I have gotten worse at hunting and many people have died because of it, and honestly, it will be better for everyone if I am gone. You guys will be able to focus better and no one will be there to mess it up. I know that I have failed you guys time and time again, so please forgive me for that. I know that this is not an honorable way of going out, but please give me a hunters funeral I would hate to be buried and end up as a ghost. I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. This was my choice. 

"I should probably write notes to each of them individually," you thought to yourself, "Might as well start with Dean, god knows he's gonna need it".

Dean, I need you to listen to me here. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. You have always been dear to me and I hate to do this to you, but I have to. You need to be strong. For your sake and mine. I know what I am doing and I know how this is going to affect you all, but it is my choice and mine alone. You three need to stick together. Don't take my death out on any of them, they will be dealing just as you are. I hope you live a good life and a prosperous life. You are such an amazing person, you do not deserve this life. I hope that someday you will be happy. You deserve so much more. I am so sorry that I had to do this to you. I love you - never forget that.

"Oh god I still have to write both Sam and Cas'" you thought to yourself wearily

Sam, please don't take this too hard. You did what you could. And there is nothing else you would have been able to do. We all get to a point where we can't go on anymore and I just happened to reach mine before any of you. Keep strong. You can make it through this. Don't try to hold on to me. The sooner you move on the easier this will be for you. Holding on to the memory of me won't help anyone. You were the best friend that I could have asked for. You guys helped me through so much more than what you are aware of. I love you, Sam, remember that. I am sorry that I had to do this. 

"Cas, oh this isn't going to make any sense to him," you sighed to yourself, still dead set on what you were going to do. 

Cas, I know that none of this is going to make any sense to you. You don't have to deal with human emotions. That must be nice. Well soon I won't either, so I guess we'll be on the same page. Here's the best way that I can explain my actions: I have dealt with depression since I was twelve, when I was twenty one my best friend burned alive on the ceiling of her and Sams house and there was nothing I could do about it, since then I have been hunting, more accurately failing at hunting, costing the lives of dozens of people who would still be alive if I hadn't been born. The guilt has become too much for me to handle and the voices in my head telling that I would be better off dead have gotten louder recently. I need you to understand that you couldn't have helped me. Even though you have angelic powers and what not, you would not have been able to help me through this. At one point or another, it was always going to happen. I am sorry that it had to come to this. I'm sorry that you won't be able to understand. I am so so sorry. You need to forget about me. It shouldn't be too hard, it's not like you haven't seen the last few millennia of humans die, so I shouldn't be any different. I love you Cas. Take care of the boys for me, will ya? They're gonna need it. Thank you Cas, you were the best.

Goodbye Boys.

With best regards (y/n)

Having finished your note, you folded it up and lied it down beside you. You looked around the room one last time before grabbing one of your bottles of whiskey and swigging down a handful of sleeping pills. You repeated the action until you had finished the bottle of pills. You lied down and quickly began to drift from conscience.

(3rd person)

Unbeknownst to (y/n), while she had been writing the part of her note to Cas he could hear her thoughts. He wasn't trying to listen to her but the way that her thoughts were of him, it sounded like she was praying to him. At first, he didn't pay much attention to it, (y/n), Sam and Dean thought about/ to him regularly so he thought it was just one of those occasions. But as she went on Cas began to grow worried. "Why would she be saying those things? Oh, no. No no no no no. She can't be thinking of doing THAT, would she?" With all the time spent in heaven, he had seen many people who had killed themselves, but he never expected it from one of his friends. Never in a thousand years would he had thought (y/n) would do that to herself. 

When the reality of the situation dawned on him he flew to (y/n)s room in the bunker. The sight that he was greeted with was one that he would hope to never have to see again. One of his best friends slowly dying by her own hand, a slip of paper he could only assume was her note by her side. Quickly went up to her and healed her with his grace. After making sure that she was still asleep, he picked her and the note up and transported them to Bobby's house where Sam and Dean were.


	2. Chapter 2

"DEAN! SAM! GET DOWN HERE NOW!" Castiel yelled. Sam, Dean and Bobby rushed into the living room at the sound of panic in Castiel's voice.

"What happened to her?" Sam asked upon seeing your unconscious body in Cas's arms.

"I went to go check in on her after hearing a rather disturbing prayer and found her dying from an overdose," Cas explained while handing your note to Dean, who then passed it on to Sam.

"What's this?" He asked, not yet comprehending what Cas meant by it all.

"Her note. I suppose she thought it would be best if we understood her actions," he responded.

"Wait are you trying to tell me that (y/n), our (y/n), did this to herself? That she tried to, what, kill herself? Why, why would she do that?" asked Bobby

"I don't know, but what should I do with her?"

"Oh god, um, maybe we should put her in the panic room, or not, do you think she will try again, maybe we should just wake her up, oh god, um I don't know man, I've never had a friend try to FREAKIN KILL THEMSELVES, how the hell am I supposed to deal with that?" Dean rambled.

"Dean, stop yelling. We don't want to wake her up by you yelling at her. That will do nothing good for her mental state" 

"Okay, fine. Let's just bring her to the panic room. We don't know how determined she is on dying yet"

"Okay," Castiel said while beginning to walk down to the panic room followed by the rest of them.

After laying you down on one of the beds he went to double check the room to make sure that there was nothing in there that you could use to hurt or kill yourself with. They all stood there in silence, waiting for you to wake up, wondering why someone like you would take such a drastic measure. They all knew that the life of a hunter wasn't an easy one, but they also knew that they'd had each other to help them through the times when they wanted to give up, which is why none of them understood why you hadn't come for help. Though you thought your note would help them understand your actions, it did them no good. They were left feeling as confused and bewildered as they had been beforehand.

They stood there, waiting for you to wake up, for what felt like ages, but, in reality, was only an hour and a half. Then you began to stir.

"(Y/n). (Y/n), hey you doing good there?" Sam asked when you opened your eyes.

"Shit, this was not supposed to happen." You mumbled hoarsely under your breath while sitting yourself up.

"What was that? What wasn't supposed to happen? You waking up again? Goddamnit (y/n), what the hell made you want to do this." Dean whisper-yelled. 

"You didn't read the note?" you asked, staring numbly at the ground.

"Yeah kid, we read the note, and this still doesn't make a lick of sense," Bobby explained.

"I... I gave up and took the quick way out.... or tried at least" you chuckled darkly, "and it would have worked if Cas hadn't put his nose where it didn't belong."

"WHAT THE HELL KID? WHO GAVE YOU THE GODDAMN RIGHT TO GIVE UP AND TRY TO KILL YOURSELF? If it weren't for Cas we'd be having your funeral right now... that is if we had even found out." "WHAT THE FUCK (Y/N)? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD JUST DO THAT. THANK GOD CASTIEL WAS THERE." Bobby and Dean exclaimed at the same time. 

"Well guess what Bobby? I'm a grown woman. I can make god damned choices. AND GOOD LORD, IF I CHOOSE TO FUCKING DIE THEN I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DIE. It's my life, not yours. Why won't you respect my choices?"

"Well maybe it's because we care about you, and we don't want to see you dead."

"That doesn't mean it wouldn't be for the better" you whispered.

"Oh, really? and why would that be?" asked Sam.

"Well for starters you wouldn't have anyone constantly fucking up on hunts, you wouldn't have to put up with my shit whenever I'm feeling down, there would be no reason for you to worry while hunting, no would ever be hurt because of me. So many people would be alive right now I would not have been there. So don't you fucking dare tell me that people wouldn't be better off without me here", you retorted. "Now can I please go?"

"(Y/N)... I don't know what we would do without you being around. And what about all the people who would be dead if it weren't for you? Just because you haven't saved everyone doesn't mean that you deserve to die. I started the freaking apocalypse for gods sake, and no you can't go until we know that your not a danger to yourself you're going to stay at Bobby's house." Sam answered. 

Instead of responding you just lay there silently, knowing that if you fought against them it would end up worse than it already was. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, you got up and started towards the guest room that you used whenever you visited. They all watched you leave before slowly exiting the room themselves.

When you made it up to your temporary room you crashed onto your bed. Even though you hadn't done anything physical that morning you were emotionally drained from the conversation you had had with the boys. As you lay there your head beg running quickly. "oh god they're so fucking disappointed in me." "Why the hell are they still keeping me here I know they said all those things but I doubt its really true" "What if they don't let me hunt anymore"

After this thought ran through your head you were startled by a voice "Hey (y/n)" Sam said quietly as he entered your room. You grunted at him as you slowly began to sit up, getting out of your head. "So.." he began cautiously, "I know that we may be seeming a bit harsh, but we are really just scared for you. I don't know how we could have dealt with your death if Cas hadn't found you when he did. What I'm trying to say is that we all really care about you and are going to be here for you no matter what it is you are going through, and if you need to talk to anyone we will there for you." Sam rambled.

As he was telling you this the thought struck you that maybe, just maybe, he meant it. That maybe they actually wanted to help you out. It would have been very easy for them just to let you be, but Sam had decided to spend his time on you, and making sure you were okay. Maybe, just maybe they were going to be able to help you get through this, at least for now. 

Though at that moment you weren't quite ready to open up to them all the way, you did end up getting the help you needed from them. As time went on you began to heal and see life in a new light. Even though there were some days that felt like the world was better off without you, you had a lifeline: Your friends, and you would make good use of it.


End file.
